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Losses and Gains, and All That Remains the Same
The truth is, I haven’t really a clue what to write. While most bloggers carry out what they do each day or most days, to the page, I’ve got nothing.
Before all of this, my life may not have been the fullest or the greatest, but it was at least something that took up the twenty-four hours in each day. Now, a majority of my day is spent just trying to get by. The basics, you know. Getting out of bed. Getting dressed. Moving from point A to point B. What used to take my high-maintenance self too long of a time before paralysis, now takes more. I’m like the teenager on summer break, hanging around in comfortable clothes, wasting time before life is back in session. Tired and trying, but not surrendering. That’s how I would describe my life at the moment.
Before and after. There’s always some dramatic change between the two, and it’s usually intended. I wasn’t expecting my before and after. I didn’t warrant this type of change, but it happened anyway. These days I struggle to cope and learn my “after”. I lost the ability to move my legs, and with that comes the loss of certain other abilities, but does that mean I’ve lost myself?
Three and a half months ago I had most of my life’s pieces put together. Goals were set, achieved, and replaced with new aspirations. Now I’m left with all those pieces misplaced or vanished. My life’s routine, which I relied heavily upon, is gone.
That’s the hardest part. The desire I have to experience what my life was before is there, but I can’t have it, not right now anyway. Right now my goals read more to the tune of putting on tight pants, getting off the couch without assistance, juggling a gallon of milk around the kitchen, and having the energy to make it through an entire day of anything. Beyond that, I want every bit of my life back that I can have.
I still feel like myself on the inside, and for the most part I still look like myself on the outside, so why can’t I want everything out of my life that I did before? Yeah, saying it will be harder than before is an understatement, but as long as I know that, why not?
For now, I’m settling for those moments in my life that bring me a spark of something good. The moment I finally put on those tight pants. Getting dressed to look more “me” for an art fair and breaking out my favorite pair of booties. Sipping on some Starbucks after a session of physical therapy and cruising by sights of St. Louis. Catching up with those I now rarely get to see.
September is spinal cord injury awareness month, and paralysis falls into that category of injury. While I am fresh into my injury and experience, I can still relate to what countless other people go through every day when living with sci. There are pages and pages of facts and statistics on spinal cord injuries, but I won’t share any of those. An able-bodied person can’t put themselves in the shoes of someone living with sci, but they can make an attempt to understand what it is like. Everyone’s injury and recovery is different, and this is mine. With each day, I tell myself to just give it time. With time, everything should happen, and it will get easier. One day I will gain so much more than I have lost.
