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Here lately I’ve been concentrating on how I can make it through the day. Sunrise to sunset. There are so many things I struggle with now, even on my good days. It’s the things I never thought would be a struggle before. I was relieved when cooler weather set in so I didn’t have to perspire pushing my wheelchair here and there. An added bonus came with my treasured fall wardrobe, but the excitement diminished slightly when I learned how difficult it is to put on knee-high boots when your ankle doesn’t flex willingly, and your feet are swollen due to the loss of circulation. At the moment I’m sticking with leggings and dresses. Those choices make my days of maneuvering clothes on and off easier, but I long for my jeans, which are probably too big now anyway. Although some people may find the issues I have with finding clothes for my new life as a paraplegic insignificant and trivial, it’s what matters to me. I’ve always sort of followed a mantra of, “If I look good, I feel good”. T-shirts and sweatpants every day just don’t give me those good feelings. How I dress and what I wear has continued to be a large part of my life, and I don’t see any reason for why that has to change now.
Doors. Those continue to be a problem in need of solving. It’s simple enough for an able-bodied person. Push or pull, and you’re done. But how does one push open a door when it’s so heavy that it pushes your wheelchair back before you can brace yourself in the door frame to shove it the rest of the way open? My solution for now is looking around and asking for help.
I calculated, planned, and dissected mostly every component of my life before all of this. I did it willingly and naturally. Now it has to be. Comfort isn’t something I find when I haven’t figured out if there aren’t any steps at the entrance. Or added extra time onto my trip because it takes me a few minutes to get out of the car. I don’t just get up and go anymore. My wheels and I take a little more planning, and a little more caffeine.
Still, even with all the bad there is good. Like seeing a Cardinals game at Busch Stadium after watching them from a hospital bed all summer long. Witnessing the wedding of a close friend, in heels no less. Having a day where it’s just me and those that have been there for me through it all, even if that means assembling my wheelchair for me six or seven times. Shopping on a Sunday, because every girl needs a new pair of boots. There are times when there is so much good, I forget I’m not standing on my own two feet.
Life isn’t easy for anyone. I take each day and try to find a reason to smile. It may be some small, unimportant reason, but that’s enough for me. My little things are what make my life my own. My days may be good and they may be bad, but my life and all the things in it are irreplaceable.